


Riverdale High's Annual School-Wide Arts Appreciation Assembly

by formergirlwonder (orphan_account)



Series: Blue + Gold = Green [3]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Archie just wants someone to see La La Land with, Archie's songs are a crime against art, Betty is adorable, But it's okay because this show has so many detectives, Even I can't write songs as depressingly literal as Archie's, F/M, Fred needs help, Jughead can't tell a white lie, Sorry Barchie shippers this is not for you, Trigger warning: REALLY BAD SONGWRITING!, Veronica is a boss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 15:57:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10193477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/formergirlwonder
Summary: Oh no. No way. No. Archie was not doing this. He was not going to sing a song like this in front of the entire school.“Through all the years, it’s mainly been us two,But he’s the grey-crowned king who conquered you,”Archie intoned dramatically, strumming a new set of chords for the lead-in to the chorus.Veronica twisted around in her seat, locking eyes with Betty in utter horror. “Did you know about this?” Betty whispered. Veronica shook her head mutely.In the seat next to Betty, Jughead pulled his beanie down over his ears and closed his eyes.In which I tackle the "Archie finds out about Bughead" trope in the last possible second before Riverdale does it. Featuring bad songwriting, a fire alarm, a blacklist, and Jughead failing at emojis.





	

**Riverdale High: School-Wide Arts Appreciation Assembly (1:00 PM Thursday)**

“ _You stood there on the steps, and said you cared_ ,” Archie crooned, strumming out a minor chord. Betty settled in her seat slightly deeper. This was going to be a long one.

“ _It’s twelve long years of friendship that we’ve shared_ ,” he elaborated. Jughead’s hand was tapping out a syncopated beat on their shared armrest. She put her hand on top of his to shut him up, and he squeezed it slightly before withdrawing.

It wasn’t that Betty didn’t like Archie’s music. It was more that she had been listening to it near-daily for the past five months, and as a result, was fairly bored of hearing it.

“ _You wore a pinkish cotton-candy dress_ ,” the song continued, and Betty decided she’d have to talk to him about real-life details in his songs. She did not need the entire school to know that she’d made an immature declaration of love to Archie Andrews.

“ _With shades of gold in every curly tress_.” Veronica shifted uncomfortably in the row ahead, as if she worried that The Closet They Don’t Want To Talk About would be the subject of the next couplet.

“ _But now, I’m here, I just wish you could see_ ,” Archie belted, inexplicably jumping an octave higher. Veronica’s shoulders relaxed palpably.

“ _What happened doesn’t make him more than me_.”

Oh no. No way. No. Archie was not doing this. He was not going to sing a song like this in front of the entire school.

“ _Through all the years, it’s mainly been us two,_  
_But he’s the grey-crowned king who conquered you_ ,” Archie intoned dramatically, strumming a new set of chords for the lead-in to the chorus.

Veronica twisted around in her seat, locking eyes with Betty in utter horror. “Did you know about this?” Betty whispered. Veronica shook her head mutely.

In the seat next to Betty, Jughead pulled his beanie down over his ears and closed his eyes.

 

 **Tuesday** **(roughly 49 Hours Earlier)**

 

Valerie Brown broke up with Archie Andrews ten minutes before fourth period.

He wasn’t particularly crushed by it. They’d been growing apart for a while, of course. She had the Pussycats; he had his own friends and his own music.

“Hey, Archie!” said Kevin at lunchtime.

Betty looked up from across the table, where she was doodling something on a napkin. “Hi, Arch! Where’s Val?”

Archie blinked uncomfortably. “Um, she’s broken up with me.”

“Yes, she has,” Veronica announced, striding into the conversation with her Pussycat ears still on. “Josie’s issued a literal blacklist of people that the Pussycats aren’t allowed to spend more than three hours a day with, school excepted, and he’s on it.”

“I’m so sorry, Archie!” said Betty. “Are you o--”

“Okay,” said Jughead, leaning across Betty and pointing to the doodle with a stolen pretzel stick, “so if the car was over here, whoever blew it up had to come from further down Route 40, because if they came the other way, we would have seen them.”

Betty frowned, twirling a strand of her ponytail in her fingers. “Not necessarily. The forest was really dark, Juggie. If they were more than thirty feet from us, we wouldn’t have seen them. Or they could have been there already, or even followed us. What we need to focus on is ways the murderer could have gotten to Jason without being seen by him or by Polly.”

“Polly wasn’t--oh, I see...”

“If they weren’t part of my family, then I doubt they knew that Polly went to the home, so they would have planned around her. So the question is, is there even a way to intercept Jason’s route without being seen by Polly, Cheryl, or Dilton?” They bent even further over the napkin, as Jughead pulled a more detailed road map out of his backpack.

Veronica turned to Kevin. “Anyway, how’s that for gossip? Val actually took it easy, compared to Melody, whose current dating life is very much Josie McCoy- _dis_ approved. Specifically, she’s spending up to six hours a day chasing/being chased after by half of the single people in the school, which is why Josie just made the blacklist say, “ _Anyone who Mel is romantically interested in_ ,” which made Mel go off on a tangent about some kid named Alan that Josie dated. So Mel is yelling at Josie in the band room, and Val’s gone off to mope a bit, but I came straight here, because I _imagined_ that you guys might want to hear about all of this--”

“Veronica,” Kevin interrupted, “you know the house rule. Nobody talks to you until--”

Veronica’s eyes rolled exaggeratedly as she removed her Pussycat ears. “You need to stop calling it a house rule, Kev. It sounds like I’m your misbehaving kid or something.”

Archie blinked as he tried to process the earlier information. “Three hours...is that just an arbitrary number, Veronica?”

Veronica chewed a bite of fruit salad. “Nope. It’s the length of our daily rehearsals.”

“So Val broke up with me because…” He trailed off, waiting for her to explain it.

“Because probably you were implying you needed more than three hours of her day, and she doesn’t want to risk getting kicked out of the Pussycats because, although she writes great songs, she doesn’t have the vocal chops to succeed as a solo artist. If you tell her I said that, by the way, she’ll claw my eyes out. Figuratively, I think, but I’m not quite sure.”

“Okay. So does the rule apply to you?” he asked.

Veronica finished the fruit cup, stacking it neatly on a corner of her tray. “Sorry, what was that? Betty, Jughead, can you be a little quieter?”

Archie felt a flush spreading over his face. “No, forget about it. It’s just that my dad was going to drive Valerie and I into Greendale to watch _La La Land_ and the new Star Wars. I have the tickets already, so I just need somebody else to come.”

Veronica pulled out her phone. “Siri, what’s the runtime of _Star Wars: Rogue One_?”

“The run time of Star Wars: Rogue One is 134 minutes,” Siri announced.

“Is there a reason why your Siri’s a guy?” Kevin asked.

“134 minutes is two hours fourteen minutes, plus getting there twenty minutes early, plus driving time there and back...sorry, no can do, Archiekins. What was that, Kev?”

“I asked why your Siri’s a guy.”

Veronica began the delicate operation of sawing into her burrito. “Oh, I read this article once about how the reason we give robots female traits is so that guys feel more comfortable giving orders to them.”

Across the table, Archie was trying to get Betty’s attention.

“Hey Betty, you want to drive into Greendale Saturday to see _Rogue One_ and _La La Land_?” he asked.

Betty sketched two more lines on the napkin. “Okay, so if Sweetwater River is roughly here, then Jason was headed this way when he was taken. So whoever took him--”

“--was on the Greendale side of the river. How was Polly planning to get across?” Jughead asked, balancing his chin on a hand.

Archie tried again. “Betty, do you want to go drive into Greendale to see _Rogue One_?”  
  
Betty chewed on her lip. “She was planning to take the first bus into Greendale, I think. I can ask, though. Sorry, Archie, what?” she broke off, as Archie caught hold of her sleeve and tugged it.

He let go of the sleeve and sat back. “Do you want to drive into Greendale on Saturday to see _Rogue One_ and _La La Land_? I kind of want to see _La La Land_ because I’ve heard the music is great, but we could do something other than Rogue One if there’s something you’d rather see. It’d be just like old times.”

Betty glanced at Jughead out of the corner of her eye. He jerked his head infinitesimally to the left as he reached for Betty’s water bottle. Betty swatted his hand away as it hovered dangerously near her Honeycrisp apple slices, before simply giving up and handing him one. Jughead took it, munched on it, and glanced meaningfully at Betty. With a laugh, she handed him half her portion before turning back to Archie.

“Archie, can we do a different day? July 4 was a Saturday, so the bus schedule’s different, and I really need to be able to figure out what time Polly could have made it to the site of the car.”

Archie blinked and swallowed thickly. “Yeah. Sure. But the tickets are for this Saturday, though, so I don’t think it’s going to work. Jug?”

Jughead looked up from his contemplation of an apple slice. “Huh? No, I’ve got plans. Community service, for vandalizing the Twilight’s projector booth.”

Archie grabbed his backpack and got up from the table. Probably Jughead was telling the truth, but it still felt belittling to be dismissed. “That sucks, Jug. Anyway, I’m going to head to Chem early. I have to retake that test I missed last week. See you guys!”

Betty waved cheerfully as he walked off.

 

**The Andrews House (Roughly 2.5 Hours Later)**

 

Fred Andrews heard the front door open and close as Vegas barked a joyful welcome.

“At least _you_ still like hanging out with me,” murmured Archie dejectedly from the other room.

Fred set his handsaw down on the workbench with a clatter and poked his head into the house. “Arch?” he called. “You alright?”

Archie didn’t respond for a moment. Vegas whined in concern.

“Fine, Dad,” he rejoined after a moment.

Fred frowned. “You don’t sound fine to me. Who doesn’t like hanging out with you?” he asked, emerging into the living room.

“Val broke up with me,” Archie explained.

Fred blinked. Well, he supposed that would do it.

“You need anything?” he inquired as he settled into a chair.

“That’s not the problem,” Archie elaborated cryptically.

“What’s the problem, then?” Fred probed.

Archie flopped dramatically on the couch. “Betty. Jughead. Veronica. But mostly Betty and Jug.”

Fred took a moment to assimilate that information. “Care to be more specific?”

“They’re avoiding me.”

Fred merely waited for Archie to feel like disclosing more.

“Look, I mean, I just thought we haven’t hung out much since...since summer. You know. And so I thought I’d do movies on Saturday with Betty. But she’s spending Saturday on something for her investigation. So I asked Jug, and he’s also busy, of course, because he’s investigating with her. But every time I try to get involved, they brush me off. They have this whole silent communication thing they do with their eyes, you know, it’s just-- _ugh_.”

Oh. All of a sudden, Archie’s story made a whole lot of sense.

It was times like this that he wanted to send Archie to Mary for help. Even if Archie didn’t live with her, Mary was still his mother. And she’d probably be much better at explaining matters.

“Have you talked to them?” Fred ventured.

Archie muttered something dismal-sounding.

“That’s a no?”

“It’s a ‘ _I tried talking to them and they told me to go practice for the assembly_ ’,” Archie clarified.

Fred shifted his weight slightly in his chair. “Arch, look. I don’t know where to start with this. But I think that Betty and Jughead are--getting close. Or they might be, at any rate.”

Archie appeared nonplussed. “Dad, Betty and Jughead and I have always been close. I just don’t understand why they’re leaving me out.”

Fred sighed. This was not a conversation he’d imagined needing to have with his popular, well-liked, attractive son. “People move on, Archie. Maybe Betty and Jughead are moving on with each other.”

“Oh,” said Archie. “Yeah, I can see that.”

There was a drawn-out silence. “It’s not your fault,” Fred offered.

Archie sat up glumly. “Maybe not, but there’s got to be something I could have done. I mean, Betty tried to tell me that she wanted to be more, and I turned her down, and I know it was because of what was going on at the time, but that wasn’t my fault either! I mean, we’ve been friends for this long, and she couldn’t...I don’t know, give me some _time_ to sort my head out afterwards instead of just leaving me out of everything? And now we’re just--not friends?”

Fred sat down next to Archie and threw an arm over his shoulder. “Look, Jug is gonna make her happy, Arch. And you guys can still be friends.”

Archie seemed vaguely confused. “Wait, wha--”

“I mean, I have to admit I envisioned things working out a different way than this but--you know, there are worse things than being a third wheel,” Fred pointed out consolingly.

Archie straightened up. “Wait--Dad, Betty and Jughead aren’t dating!”

Fred waited for a moment.

“No, they can’t be,” Archie continued. “They would have said something, right? I mean, it’s not okay to date someone your friend was interested in, right?”

Fred decided not to point out precisely how insistent Archie had been that he was _not_ interested in Betty.

“It sucks, Arch. I totally get it. But you’re gonna get through this one.” Finally. He’d hit the right tone. Concerned, sympathetic, but not overly emotional or touchy-feely.

Archie’s face twisted slightly. “Dad, I’m gonna go practice, okay? I--I need to go...figure this out.”

“You do whatever you need.” Archie nodded and got up from the couch. Fred clasped him in a tight hug. (Even if Archie was too old to be hugged, Fred made exceptions for situations involving a murderer on the loose.)

“By the way,” he asked as Archie picked up his guitar.

“Yeah, Dad?” Archie turned in the doorway expectantly.

“If you’re not going to the movies, I suppose I can take the truck and go out with Hermione on Saturday?”

Archie slammed the door. Oh well. It had been worth a try.

 

**Riverdale High School (46.5 Hours Later)**

“ _Were you waiting all this time for me to leave?_  
_‘Cause the hurt and rage, it makes it hard to breathe!_  
_I thought that I could trust the two of you!_  
_If you think I’ve given up, you’ve got no clue!_

 _I’ll get her back,_  
_She’ll be back,_  
_Just watch me and you’ll see._  
_Whatever it takes,_  
_A million mistakes,_  
_The world safe and sound for:_  
_Gold hair with a gentle curl_  
_A girl born for the rose and pearl,_  
_Pretty and witty and bright!_  
_I’m gonna have my day tonight,_  
_Although I consider us friends,_  
_And I don’t see why that has to end,_  
_But--that girl iiiiis miiiiiiiiiiiine.”_

Veronica whispered, “First of all, as Riverdale’s resident New Yorker, I feel obligated to point out that he just plagiarized _Hamilton_ , _Wicked_ , and _West Side Story_. Like, a lot. How does he even know those? I mean, I can count at least three _Hamilton_ quotes, possibly a fourth--”

“I went through a Broadway musical phase last year, so I blasted soundtracks in my room a lot. He's probably just subconsciously remembering, but thinking he made it up. More importantly, we need to get out of here,” Betty interrupted. “I mean, unless you think leaving just draws more attention to us.”

Veronica considered for a moment. “I am going to _mangle_ that boorish, entitled, inconsiderate, simple-minded, carrot-headed nutjob for this. Sit tight. I’ll be right back.” She got up and made her way toward the bathrooms. Betty watched her go for a moment before turning her attention back to Archie.

 

**Betty's Bedroom (21 Hours Earlier)**

 

Betty heard her phone buzz from across the room. Setting down her Pre-calculus homework with a sigh--there really was far too much of it--she grabbed the phone and plopped into a chair to read what her home screen was advertising as **1 Unread Text from Archie**.

The text read, _Hey Betty-- Sorry if this is inappropriate or whatever, but I heard a bit of a rumor that you might be dating Jughead? Is that true?_

She texted back, _Yeah, it is. We didn’t necessarily want to make a big deal out of it._

 _Oh_ , came the reply text. After a moment, it was joined by a new text, which said, _Wow!! I mean, that’s great! I’m so happy for you guys!_

After a moment, a third text came through asking, _So we’re good about that whole mess the first week of school? I felt really bad to put you in that position, so I’m glad you’ve found someone who measures up to your standards :)_

What was that supposed to mean? She hadn’t kissed Jughead back because he’d managed to tick off a checklist of categories she needed in her life, or because he’d somehow beaten out her old crush on Archie by outdoing him in some unspoken contest.

Betty briefly contemplated calling Archie to somehow find words to explain that she’d kissed Jughead back because being around him made her feel safer than she’d known it was possible to feel, because he was intelligent and smart and cynical, but also sweet and caring and funny and kind, because he’d never let her down, because he knew exactly how to get inside her chaotic head and help her relax, because he believed in her one hundred and ten percent. Because when he looked in her eyes, she felt like they understood each other.

Betty wasn’t an idiot. She knew Jughead had problems of his own, but she trusted that he’d tell her when he was ready, and then they’d confront them together. In the meantime, she wanted to stay as near him as possible. They liked the same sorts of books and the same sorts of jokes, they both felt unloveable, they both knew how it felt to be alone. He didn’t need to talk to say he understood the flashes of darkness that overpowered her senses. Because no matter what they did, they couldn’t ever truly hide from each other.

Kissing Jughead had felt easy and natural in a way she’d never imagined kissing could feel. No pressure, no judgement, no expectation of world-shaking emotion. Just them, Betty-and-Jughead, together in a quiet room, her unshed tears gradually drying. It wasn’t like swelling string orchestras: it was just one simple, perfect melody.

 _Yeah, we’re good! No need to worry! :)_ she texted.

 

**24 Hours Later**

 

 _“A Byronic teen who knows too little joy,_  
_I guess girls can’t resist a rebel boy._  
_But here’s the thing, I thought you had my back,_  
_Then when I wasn’t there, you changed your tack.”_

Betty snuck a glance at Jughead. He glanced back, telegraphing misery, annoyance, and possibly a desire to throttle his best friend. She jerked her eyebrows towards the exit, but shook her head when he moved to stand up, looking pointedly at Veronica’s empty seat. Jughead got the message and sat back in his chair.

 _“You swooped in like a predatory hawk,_  
_How could you ever give me such a shock!_  
_A little word of warning would be nice,_  
_Now ‘tween the three of us, there’s so much ice._

 _Were you waiting all this time for me to leave?_  
_‘Cause the hurt and rage, it makes it--_

**BEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP!**

The fire alarm had begun to blare.

Betty grabbed Jughead by the arm. Together, they made a beeline for the nearest exit, where Veronica waited. Unsurprisingly, she was grinning ear-to-ear as she stuffed ink-stained gloves into her makeup bag.

“Veronica Lodge, I am not sure whether to hug you or yell at you. You know you could get expelled for this, right?” Betty asked, falling into step with her friend.

“I wore gloves to pull the alarm. Anyway, Archie should get expelled for singing that,” Veronica groused.

“Agreed,” said Jughead.

“I mean, what the _hell_ was he thinking! Where do I even begin? Advertising your personal life to the whole school? Talking about you in a way that delegitimizes your choices?” she seethed.

“I’m pretty sure he thought the references were so cryptic nobody would catch them. What about single-handedly obliterating centuries of beauty in poetry and music in one fell swoop?” Jughead suggested.

Veronica rounded on him. “ _That’s_ what you’re upset about? I risked getting expelled so you didn’t have to listen to a bad song? If I get in trouble for this, you are going to be listening to a hell of a lot more than just bad music.”

Betty interposed herself between them. “Guys, can we _not_ talk about what Veronica just did in public? Someone might hear us!”

Archie came jogging up to them. “Hey, guys! Exciting, huh?”

“Yeah!” said Veronica, smiling winningly. “Have you guys ever had someone pull the fire alarm at school before?”

Betty stepped on her toe. “Yeah, it’s really exciting! I hope nothing burns down!”

“Did you like my song? I decided last-minute to scrap my original selection. I was gonna do “ _I’ll Try_ ,” but then I realized, the whole school’s already heard that one. I think this is going to be a big part of my career--every time I perform, I’m gonna play a new song! That way, no two performances will ever be the same!” He looked appealingly around the group.

“Sounds like a great idea!” said Veronica.

“It just feels so good to write songs,” Archie mused. “I mean, I can’t imagine going through life without being able to deal with my emotions that way. Oh, speaking of that, by the way! Do you guys have any feedback for me?”

Betty felt her grin begin to falter. “Feedback?” she stalled.

“ _Feedback_ …” Veronica pondered, stroking her chin and raising her eyes to the sky.

“Okay,” said Jughead. “I can do feedback--”

“We really enjoyed it!” Betty enthused hastily.

“Uh-huh!” said Veronica, bobbing her head up and down energetically. "It made me feel so many _emotions!"_

“Great!” said Archie. “Wow! I’m so glad you guys liked it!”

When he was gone, Jughead turned to the girls with a put-upon expression. “Okay, so whose fault is it if he goes home and writes ten more of these?”

Veronica sighed. “Alright, you two. Fine. I’ll talk to him.” She pulled out her phone and pushed a few buttons. “There. Done.”

Jughead stared at it. “You just wrote, _Betty and Jughead don’t want their torrid love affair discussed in public. Also, I think your other song got a better reaction. Semicolon, end parenthesis, colon, end parenthesis, less than three, V._ ”

**Coda: Archie's Bedroom (Four Hours Later)**

Archie pulled open his dictionary, wondering why in the world Hermione Lodge had named her daughter something so hard to rhyme. He was going to have to hurry if he wanted a new song ready in time for his next performance.

“ _I appreciate your honesty, Veronica,  
But I won’t quit guitar for the harmonica_ ,” he sang experimentally.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. Writing purposefully bad songs is fun! (grins evilly)
> 
> The "Veronica/harmonica" song can be sung to the tune of the Adam Sandler Hanukkah song from Saturday Night Live, if you're curious.


End file.
